June 11, 2013

That time I had to call Poison Control.

I worked late tonight. Mom picked me up at 5:15 and we hit up the grocery store before heading home for a smoothie before yoga. I took yesterday afternoon off sick and last week was really busy so I've been just itching to get some exercise. An after work smoothie seemed like just the thing to get me through yoga and on until dinner time.

A little orange juice, some spinach, strawberries, a banana, some frozen melon and pineapple, and a little bit of protein powder to top it off. When you give up the dairy it's important to make sure you're getting enough protein in your diet.

Since I was going to be neglecting to make Karl dinner until later, I figured we might as well give him some smoothie to hold him over, too. I'm thoughtful like that.

In goes the orange juice, strawberries, banana, melon and pineapple, and last but not least the protein powder.

On goes the blender.

Blend goes the smoothie.

Stop goes the blender.

Pour into glasses goes the smoothie.

Devour goes the Anna and the mom.

And then...

"This is gritty," goes the mom.

"It's the spinach," says the Anna.

"There's a chunky," goes the mom.

"There's a lot of chunkies," says the Anna.

And, indeed, there were a lot of weird chunkies in the oddly gritty smoothie. Delicious, but chunky and gritty.

So, being the problem solver I am, I suggested we strain out the chunky bits. So we did. And we blended the smoothie again, just to be safe.

I fetched Karl, and my husband, mother and I sat around her kitchen drinking our gritty but tasty smoothies, pondering over the odd consistency and trying to figure out what ingredient had gone off.

Mom pieced together the receipt-like chunky pieces while I examined the clear sandy bits stuck in my teeth.

"Do not blend," Mom joked.

"Do not eat," she read. "Do not eat," she repeated.

And just like that, we knew.

Karl passed me the phone and the phone book. I called up Poison Control.

"Poison Control."

"We ate the thing in the food you're not supposed to eat," I explained. Calmly. Coolly. Thinking we sure as heck weren't going to make it to yoga because we were probably going to need our stomachs pumped.

"It's non-toxic." Yep, he sounded bored. I got the feeling half his calls are from people like us.

We joked for a minute. I resisted my eternal urge to tell him my life story and didn't even ask if there was dairy in the package. Because really, what's going to change now? I was tempted to ask if we were going to be bunged up or have any other... side affects, but I restrained.

I also didn't ask him if he was sure. How could he be sure? Those packages say "do not eat," after all. Clearly they don't want you to eat them. How does he know this isn't how zombie outbreaks start? Maybe vegan protein powders are just the start because, up until now, vegans have been smart enough to read the full package to find out if there's a little packet of poison inside. We aren't vegans! We're just dairy free folk that need big, bold warnings in red with arrows and exclamation points:

There is a little teeny packet of poison in here that blends nicely into smoothies.
Side effects may include constipation and the end of life as we know it.

Mom is planning on calling the protein powder company to complain about how easy it was to eat the "do not eat" package in an attempt to get some free product. We had a near death experience. It was like being thrust into the state of nature and all we had were empty smoothie glasses to show for it. Our whole lives flashed before our eyes. And now my mother would like to call the company and tell them that we didn't read the package to see if there was some sort of warning on it, and blindly ate the "do not eat" package, straining out the chunky bits and crunching through the gritty bits.

So I guess now you know. Nothing is going to stand in our way when it comes to food and getting a good deal. Not poison, not humiliation, nothing.


  1. Oh, man...now that I know you CAN eat those, I'm gonna go to town! Think of all the little packets I've thrown away all these years. I wonder how much protein is in those!?

  2. This is hilarious. Oh my gosh. They're really non-toxic?? Did you have any side effects? How are you feeling? Did your mom get some free loot?

    So many questions. So much giggling.

  3. I am finally looking at your blog on the actual computer and not on my phone. That means that one, I can see the full beauty of your new design. Love it! Complete with polka dots!
    Secondly, I can wonder why you kept drinking the gritty smoothy. Gross!

  4. Hahaha, wow. I would have been freaking out if I had eaten one of those. That's so crazy!


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