June 22, 2013

I'm 85.

I'm not exactly "average" for my age. I mean, I'm average looking through and through (brown hair, 5'8"), but I don't act like your "average" mid-twenties person. I'm not a big drinker, I've been married for three years, and my coffee is decaf. I go to the chiropractor on a regular basis. I spend my evenings knitting, watching TV, and I love listening to audio books while I walk to work and attempt to exercise. Right now I'm rocking Anna Karenina. Because reading it would probably cause me physical pain (or sleep) but listening to it is totally fine.

A couple weeks ago I made a purchase I have been dreaming about for the past year or so. I bought a new soap dispenser and toothbrush holder. And there was great rejoicing. It was a huge victory for me versus the ugly mouldy and broken old ones. It was basically Christmas.

Thursday afternoon work threw us a little bit of a shindig to say thank you for getting through the big event and we each got a drink ticket. I've had an irrationally grumpy past couple days so I thought a 2 p.m. glass of wine would be a nice way to wind down after a stressful morning of over-reacting.

After the party wrapped up (at 4...) some of us young and fun folks decided to go and have another drink at a restaurant. I stayed for 45 minutes before I had my mom pick me up so I could go watch Karl's baseball game that night. It was cancelled in the end due to rain, so I took a nap. Afternoon drinking, even to a moderate extent, is a weird idea and not one I recommend.

That night, as I sat at home learning a knew knitting stitch and drinking a smoothie, I checked out Instagram and found that my coworkers were still out, and had moved onto the tequila shots. I was so glad I'd gone home. Even a glass of wine at 2 in the afternoon confused my schedule. Needless to say, I felt great at work today and some other coworkers didn't.

My point? While I'm not averse to a social drink or two once in a while, especially as a way to get to know my coworkers better, I don't have it in me to keep going. Financially or physically. No judgement on my coworkers, but my place is at home, watching The Killing with Karl. In my sweatpants. It's my happy place.

I'm also really, really awkward. It's my comfort zone. If that even makes sense.

You may not know this, but I've never dated anyone other than Karl. That wasn't my intention, it just happened. And by "just happened" I mean it was a lot of work and took a few years, but my first boyfriend became my first husband. (Kidding...) As a result, I'm not exactly an expert on the whole dating scene. I'm actually totally clueless as to how dating really works. Especially non-Christian dating.

Just to be clear, I'm not judging, I'm just not exactly sure what the dynamics of dating people that don't hold off on the nitty gritty are. I didn't understand what "hooking up" was until much later in life than normal. I'm also still not totally clear. It's just a general term to generalize any number of activities, isn't it?

Dang, I'm worldly.

Anyhow, I got to passively participate in the most awkward of mating rituals this week. I got to observe a friend ask the barista at my favourite cafe if he was single, on behalf of another friend. Did you follow that? It was like elementary school. There was even giggling and blushing. Mostly done by me, the passive observer. It was so awkward that I kept blushing about it at my desk all afternoon. I'm so awkward that I feel other peoples' awkwardness, too. In this case I think I held everyone else's awkwardness for them because my friend was totally fine with everything. I couldn't stop cringing!

Yesterday was the continuation of the awkward elementary school encounter. This time, though, I was in my element. Maybe it was because I was ready, but I think the real reason was because all three of us were super awkward. He was awkward, my friend was awkward, and I stood there basking in it. For some reason, other peoples' discomfort in social situations makes me feel less like an outsider. It was glorious. Especially since I wasn't the one asking the personal question of the guy that makes my americano.

For the first time, possibly ever, I felt like I wasn't too awkward to contribute to the conversation and that I actually knew what to say. Because lately I've been feeling like I don't know how to talk to people (and yes I just started a sentence with "because") and maybe other people not knowing how to talk helps that.

I also think blogging gives me my voice back. 

I've been feeling so awkward and out of place lately and maybe it's because I'm not word vomiting as much as I used to. It might also be because I'm hanging out with people that are way cooler than me. At work. At home I just watch TV with Karl and knit (kitchener stitch, suckas!) so I don't need to be articulate. 

It's past my bedtime, I'm word vomiting, and I refuse to proofread tonight. I hope this makes sense. And if it doesn't? I hope you feel as awkward as I do in social situations lately. Embrace it.


  1. I so need a new toothbrush holder and soap dispenser. Mine are getting moldy and ugly :(

    I have never been a drinker either. Even at college parties that I would go to with friends, I would be the one slowly drinking my one drink so I didn't get asked (actually, pressured) 35 times to drink more. It's not my thing. I'm with you on the whole comfort zone front.

    My husband didn't date anyone until me! I wish it worked out that way for me. I was an awkward dater. As in I was never the "forward" person.

  2. I love this post so much. It's like reading my life story. I'm right there with you 100%-I'd much rather be at home with James watching TV and knitting than be out at a bar with people. It's just not for me. I also have no idea how to talk to people in general. I am an absolute mess. I'm also just as clueless about worldly dating. I definitely did some dating before James, but not like everyone else these days.

    Solidarity, sister.

  3. I used to be a bar-goer, back in my rebellious days. It is completely overrated, and I cannot understand why grown adults think it's still fun to get hammered on a weeknight. (Or a weekend, for that matter!) Hangovers are the worst thing in the world, and you KNOW you're going to have it, so it's basically a shoot-yourself-in-the-foot situation. "Hey, you know what would be awesome!? 3 hours of fun drinks and then 12 hours of the FLU!!!"

    However, to be completely honest, I was much better at socializing back then. Being away from everyone my own age and having literally no social life to speak of (thanks a lot, Alaska)) has turned me back into the uber-awkward shy girl circa 1998. No bueno.

  4. I would have no idea what to do with myself if I were faced with the prospect of dating. The whole concept is quite foreign to me. I married my first boyfriend, too--and honestly, we pretty much went from being friends to married in like two seconds. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like dating if I tried it. :P

    However, I don't think I'm yet elderly enough to get a new soap dispenser and toothbrush holder and be excited about it. I still try to pretend that my house doesn't need curtains.


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