October 04, 2012

Stuck in a rut.

Well, I've been in a bit of a rut the past couple days. I found myself so utterly drained when I went back to work on Tuesday that I had a really rough day. I went home feeling very low about my job and my role there. I really do take criticism to heart, even when I know it isn't a big deal and should just store it in the "Useful Information" part of my brain and get over it. It's also hard to know when I've done something wrong and there's nothing for me to redeem myself with and demonstrate my competence with. I might be kind of like a puppy.

I pulled out of my rut that evening, though, and we hosted about 25 people for a going away party for our dear friends Tim and Larissa. I love that we have the space and ability to host things like that. It was nice to have people over but not feel obligated to entertain them and just be able to relax and socialize with everyone that came, as well as say our goodbyes. Not that goodbyes are fun, but new chapters in life sure can be.

Yesterday my rut went even deeper. I didn't get much sleep the night before due to having 25 people over (no regrets, though, because these things are more important than sleep) and possessing a deep need to watch Castle. Castle is also higher on the ranking scale than sleep. You can only put off watching it for one day and then it calls to you. Me. Whatever.

 So yesterday was hard. I didn't want to go to work, knowing full well that it would be an agonizing day of doing absolutely nothing and that I was already bummed out. It's hard to be motivated to go to work when you know the outlook is bleak. It doesn't matter about the pay or the friendly people when you're already in a rut, because idleness leads to stir craziness and that combined with lack of sleep leads to longings to wear sweat pants and watch marathon hours of television while sitting under a blanket and drinking milk. In case you were wondering, milk is my new evening drink of choice.

When I got home from work I couldn't get out of the car. I just sat there for about ten minutes, feeling so tired and rutted (read: in a rut) and emotionally confused. I even cried a little, trying to figure out how to proceed and what to do.

You're probably thinking that sleep is probably the number one thing, since getting out of the car is the obvious way to proceed in that situation. Well you're probably right, but that's not what I did. Instead, I went inside and did exactly what I'd wanted to do all day. On went the sweat pants, on went the hoodie, on went the television with New Girl and The Mindy Project, and there I sat, on the living room floor, eating leftover quinoa salad, pop chips, and drinking milk.

It helped. It really, really helped.

Last night was the second night of our going through Financial Peace. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a several week series that helps you figure out your finances by giving you proven steps to follow and encouraging you to save, budget, and other important money related things.

Sounds terrible, right? It's actually really good (and funny, believe it or not) and I'm getting a lot out of the time we're spending with the couple from our church that is doing it with us. I came home from work thinking that all I wanted to do was space out in front of the TV, but I think the alternative was much better.

The funny thing is, we got home just before 11:30 and I didn't get into bed until 12. That means, if you've figured out my dog walking schedule, that I was up six and a half hours later. Totally what Miss Rutty-Mc-Rutterson needed. Except not.

Well, this morning I, naturally, didn't want to get out of bed, but I did and it was okay. I still didn't want to go to work but somehow today is better than the last two days. Somehow, I don't feel like I'm such a big rut. Sure, I'm still feeling a little rutty, but it's not weighing me down so much today that I'm going to go home and cry in my car. Actually, I'm planning on going home and making some pumpkin chocolate chip loaf and altering the recipe. Because, you know, recipes are more guidelines than anything. And if something's sugar free, oil free, and whole wheat it means I can feel less guilty when I eat a whole loaf by myself. Right?

If I'm taking the kitchen by storm I must be feeling better because you know me and baking... We kind of hate each other.

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