I've been having a bit of an identity crisis. I'm a mother. I'm a woman with a career. I'm a person that really enjoys books and movies and knitting and half an hour on the treadmill. I'm a freaking onion with layers upon layers. But I'm a mom.
I love being a mom more than I ever imagined. That's not to say I didn't think I would enjoy it, it's just that I didn't realize how much I would. Parker is one of the greatest things ever invented. I love, and feel incredibly blessed, that I get to spend a year with him at home, just doing our thing. I wouldn't give him up for all the camels in the desert.
But there's more to my identity than being a mother. I struggle so much, though, with the desire to be a mom and stay home with Parker and my will to have a career and continue to be a bread winner in our family. Also to have an excuse to wear jewellery again and clothes that aren't easy access. It's called mom guilt and it's real.
Tomorrow Parker will be 11 months old. That means June 1, the end of my maternity leave, is fast approaching. I was faced with the prospect of sending Parker to daycare while I went back to work. He would go to a daycare where I knew he'd thrive and be loved, and I would go back to a job where there were a lot of things I loved, but a lot of struggles as well.
And all those feelings came to a head last Monday and had me questioning every choice I've ever made.
We moved to Regina just over two years ago for my job. We know now, though, that God used my job to bring us to Regina. He brought us here and plunked us down, while we were in the midst of trying to buy a house in Victoria. We thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives there, and a few months later we were living in the frozen Saskatchewan tundra. We learned in that to trust God's plan for us, because he's always got our backs. And last week I had to put my trust in Him that it was going to be okay. His plan is the best plan and I'm kind of just along for the ride.
Fast forward to this week.
I am no longer returning to my job. I have options out there, and they're all kind of terrifying, but so was returning to work a month from now. A week ago I felt like I was being crushed by sadness, unsure of what I should be doing with my life, doubting myself and my abilities as a mother and working woman. And now I'm being faced with another opportunity to trust that God's got a plan for us.
Two things have been running through my head this week on repeat. The first is Philipians 4:13. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I may not "got this" but thankfully someone else sure does. The second is that old hymn, Great is thy Faithfulness. I may feel like things are spinning into scary uncharted territory, but God is so faithful. So it's going to be okay.