March 17, 2016

Survey says: You're a bad mom.

The latest incredibly made up statistics are in and, as predicted, they're horrifying.

79% of children that undergo some form of sleep training have abandonment issues. Your child needs therapy because you let them cry it out in their crib one night when they just really, really wanted to stay up and scream at you because they were overtired. I hope you left room in your budget for this, because it looks like you gave them PTSD.

Mothers that drink while nursing are 61% happier than those that don't. If you can still hear the baby whining you probably need another margarita.

Children whose parents consume alcohol within 50 feet of them (awake or asleep) are 27% more likely to become raging alcoholics. Whereas the other 73% will just have run of the mill alcohol dependencies.

Breastfeeding mothers are 100% more likely than their formula feeding counterparts to complain about the return of their monthly cycle and the baby weight not "melting away" as quickly as promised. They will then compensate by eating lactation cookies.

Infants that co-sleep don't move out of their parents home until the average age of 32.4 years. But they do tend to sleep through the night at a younger age.

Babies that wear pajamas all day are 80% more likely to go to the grocery store in their sweatpants as an adult. Without make-up.

Those children given soothers are 41% more prone to obesity than those without something constantly in their mouth. They are also 12% more likely to take up smoking and intravenous drug use.

Cloth-diapered infants are 34% more likely to become vegans and use natural deodorants as adults. Studies show that there may also be a correlation with playing the acoustic guitar.

Mothers that return to work before their children are in school feel 25% more shame than those that stay home. Consequently, 80% of which comes from themselves.

84% of parents that read to their children from a young age can tell you exactly how Thomas feels about getting into his snowsuit. Noooooooo!

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