December 09, 2015

Whomp whomp.

I had this crazy idea in my head that I would blog all the time while I was home with Parker. I had this notion that I was going to post his nursery the day before my water broke. I still haven't. I took a bunch of pictures on my phone that were blurry and then I couldn't find my camera and then his room was messy and lived in/sleeped in/the lighting wasn't very good/my battery was dead.

Then I ran out of things to say. Nap times became too previous to spend on the computer. I keep thinking I need to do better, be better, but I spend all that energy on getting things done around the house, holding a cranky baby, or collapsing in front of Netflix for five minutes when I get a chance.

This week I've given in to the desire to be a hermit. I've cancelled plans and determined to spend my days at home, hibernating and hiding. I can't decide if it's good for my mental health or a sign of hard days to come. I have decided to just take the week, though, and if it continues longer to cross that bridge when I come to it.

I've been dealing with a lot of self-doubt lately. It started a month ago when we opened up Parker's education savings account. When the fellow was taking our information he asked where I worked and what my position was. Before I could tell him what I did, he wrote down "Admin". I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell him he was sexist and presumptuous and that just because I work where I do does not necessarily mean that I am an admin. Except, of course, I am.

We came home that evening and I had to ask Karl to take Parker out for an hour. I needed to process and vent my frustrations onto my dirty kitchen. I needed to sort through my frustration at being an assistant, albeit a well-paid one, with four years of university behind me and working in the area I want to but not doing work I love or am even passionate about anymore. Except, of course, I'm on leave right now. The challenge for me now is that baby brain is real. I'm forgetting things. The skills I accumulated over the years are starting to fade and a lot of that started before I even had Parker. When Karl came home I told him I couldn't do it again. When I eventually get a new job it's not going to be in admin. Somehow I accidentally started putting my career down that path and it's not what I want to do.

I find that I've enjoyed living in this city so much more since Parker showed up. There is certainly less to do here than back home, but all of a sudden my relationship and identity in Regina are no longer tied up in my job. I felt like I can just breathe and enjoy the city for what it is.

I've been toying with the idea of selling my knitting. Five minutes after I had the thought, the doubt crept in. I stopped enjoying it as much and felt the pressure to be better and started picking apart the things I don't do perfectly. That idea has since been put on the back burner.

I know, I know. I need a cupcake.


  1. I wish I could give you a big huge hug right now! And then hand you a cupcake and take Parker for a while so you can relax a bit. My door is always open if you decide you need an Alaskan vacation. (Well, it's not open, it's actually almost always locked but I'll let you in.)

    I can completely understand the job frustrations. I am not doing what I want to be doing either...the job started okay but over the last 3 1/2 years has morphed into something I really despise. Sometimes I can't decide if I despise my job or the fact that I never really "made something of myself" more. I think being a mom is an amazing calling, though, even if our chosen professions (or default professions) aren't ideal or fulfilling anymore. I never look at my mom and think, "Boy, if only she had had an awesome, high-paying career I would admire her so much more." I know Parker is going to grow up only knowing and thinking that you're the best mom he could have asked for, and I think that's worth more than any career or paycheck.

    I do think you should seriously look into selling your knitting, though. I have seen your work first hand and I think it's awesome and you're very talented. Even if you just start by asking a local shop if they'd be interested in selling some of your work for a percentage, you can start really small - just make scarves or hats or something for now, something you know you can do perfectly, and you can always branch out later if you're finding success. And I'm always available for questions/advice (not that I'm an expert)!

    If it makes you feel any better, "admin" is a term also used for a category of job...our office is considered the admin office and my job category is technically admin but only two out of 15-some-odd people are actually admin assistants. :)

  2. Eat a cupcake! And some ice cream. SOLIDARITY.

  3. I want to hug you and bake you vegan treats. Also, I completely understand. I felt the exact same way about my job and that's one of the reasons it made it easier to quit when Gracie was born. I felt like I wasn't living up to my full potential in the slightest, and I struggled a lot with that. I still struggle with it! Two jobs ago, I was meeting with HR to do my health insurance paperwork, and he was looking at something and saw that I had a 4 year degree. He looked at me point blank and said "if you have this degree, what are you doing here?" And I cried for days after that.

    Ditto what Angi said...I know firsthand that your knitting is AMAZING. Sell it. Or talk to local shops and see if you can sell there. Someday I would love to do something like that, probably not with knitting because I'm just not great at it, but with SOMETHING.

  4. YES! Blogging is hard with a baby. Heck, even cleaning the house is hard with a baby. LAUNDRY! I hate laundry. All I want to do is curl up, eat ice cream, and not do adult things for an hour.

    Eat something yummy and not good for you. Also, here's an air hug from me!

    Your knitting really is awesome (like everyone has said). That blanket you made Oliver kicks butt and really, it should be ogled over by others! People like me need people like you with awesome talents to make our babies look better :)

  5. I've sold knitting, it's not a easy job. Now I just make YouTube videos. Just do what makes you happy. Or don't. Either way cupcakes are always a good idea.


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