I had this crazy idea in my head that I would blog all the time while I was home with Parker. I had this notion that I was going to post his nursery the day before my water broke. I still haven't. I took a bunch of pictures on my phone that were blurry and then I couldn't find my camera and then his room was messy and lived in/sleeped in/the lighting wasn't very good/my battery was dead.
Then I ran out of things to say. Nap times became too previous to spend on the computer. I keep thinking I need to do better, be better, but I spend all that energy on getting things done around the house, holding a cranky baby, or collapsing in front of Netflix for five minutes when I get a chance.
This week I've given in to the desire to be a hermit. I've cancelled plans and determined to spend my days at home, hibernating and hiding. I can't decide if it's good for my mental health or a sign of hard days to come. I have decided to just take the week, though, and if it continues longer to cross that bridge when I come to it.
I've been dealing with a lot of self-doubt lately. It started a month ago when we opened up Parker's education savings account. When the fellow was taking our information he asked where I worked and what my position was. Before I could tell him what I did, he wrote down "Admin". I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell him he was sexist and presumptuous and that just because I work where I do does not necessarily mean that I am an admin. Except, of course, I am.
We came home that evening and I had to ask Karl to take Parker out for an hour. I needed to process and vent my frustrations onto my dirty kitchen. I needed to sort through my frustration at being an assistant, albeit a well-paid one, with four years of university behind me and working in the area I want to but not doing work I love or am even passionate about anymore. Except, of course, I'm on leave right now. The challenge for me now is that baby brain is real. I'm forgetting things. The skills I accumulated over the years are starting to fade and a lot of that started before I even had Parker. When Karl came home I told him I couldn't do it again. When I eventually get a new job it's not going to be in admin. Somehow I accidentally started putting my career down that path and it's not what I want to do.
I find that I've enjoyed living in this city so much more since Parker showed up. There is certainly less to do here than back home, but all of a sudden my relationship and identity in Regina are no longer tied up in my job. I felt like I can just breathe and enjoy the city for what it is.
I've been toying with the idea of selling my knitting. Five minutes after I had the thought, the doubt crept in. I stopped enjoying it as much and felt the pressure to be better and started picking apart the things I don't do perfectly. That idea has since been put on the back burner.
I know, I know. I need a cupcake.