February 21, 2015

Why I might need to return my baby to the baby-making factory.

He's not even here yet and already I'm realizing that woah woah woah I have no idea what I'm doing.
I mean, babies kind of make sense. They poop. They cry. They scream when the crying isn't enough. They puke for reasons unknown. They chew on your breasts.
Okay. I'm coming to terms with that. I've heard some scary breast feeding stories but I'm okay with sacrificing my body for my child. Why not? He's going to come ripping and tearing out of me one way or another so why not just continue the carnage? There's really no going back now.
The more I hear about things on the internet, though, the more uncomfortable I get.
What do you mean I should bring black underwear to the hospital? Wait, what's this about pads? And did someone just say padsicle? Are you vomiting a little in your mouth right now? Because I sure am.

I need to bring my own beautiful hospital gown? And my pillow in my favourite pillow case? And a soundtrack for my labour? I'll be having a baby not throwing a slumber party!
What are lactation cookies? How are they different from regular cookies? If they're good for milk production I promise not to touch them until the moment my baby's born but then are they all I'm allowed to eat? Because you know me and cookies.
And, you know, am I going to become a dairy cow before my son is born? I know it happens, but is normal?
Also, how hard is the baby weight going to be to get rid of? And how much larger are my breasts going to be? Am I going to need to buy a whole new wardrobe of easily accessible shirts until my kid can feed himself?
I don't know sign language. Most babies these days do. Why are infants smarter than me? I know enough not to play with my own poop but I can never remember the sign for please.
I know people swaddle their kids, but I can barely wrap a burrito and it doesn't move. Maybe we should start eating more wraps.
And what about pee? I've only ever changed boy diapers before and never had a pee incident, but it's a right of passage isn't it? It's not like I've changed a lot of diapers, either, so the odds aren't really in my favour. How often can I expect a mouthful of urine? I just need to be emotionally prepared.
If you need me, I'll be in bed with the covers over my head.


  1. You are going to be an amazing Mom and that is one lucky little boy. :)

  2. All of this just sounds so appealing... ;) Seriously though I am dying to have a baby boy (and then a girl) so if that dream does in fact come true, I'll be looking to you for all my advice.

    I DO NOT UNDERSTAND LACTATION COOKIES. Every recipe I've seen, it looks like an excuse to eat regular old cookies. I'm going to bake myself a delicious chocolate cake and call it a weight loss cake. I bet I can get it to catch on...

  3. Did I write this?! Because these are all the things I've been thinking 24/7.

    I looked up some freezer meal recipes last weekend and it led to me reading blog posts on postpartum life. I walked away from my laptop feeling horrified and anxious and in a terribly horrible mood.

    And then I tried on nursing bras for two hours the other night and nothing fit. I'm contemplating walking around topless for a year.

    I'm pretty sure lactation cookies are just an excuse to eat cookies. But that doesn't mean I didn't pin several recipes last week.

  4. Haha! This made me laugh!

    I know most of this is rhetorical, but as the veteran around here, I feel like giving some answers.

    Don't worry about bringing your own underwear. The mesh ones they give you are awesomely comfy for those first couple days.

    But do bring your own pillow (favourite case or not). Hospital pillows suck and it's nice to have a familiar scent around instead of hospital smell. You may be doing a lot of sweaty-head-burrowing in it during labour, so you could bring a clean case for after.

    Don't buy special nursing tops. I had a couple and rarely used them. Regular tops are easy enough to pull up or down and if you don't want stuff showing, that's what they make covers for.

    It is not normal for milk to come in before you have your baby. You can start producing colostrum (thick and yellowish), but milk normally comes 2 - 3 days after baby is born. And it comes with a vengeance, so don't sleep on your front!

    Victor isn't smart enough for sign language either. Well, not what we teach him. He comes up with his own versions. You can too!

    Not all boys pee everywhere all the time! My two rarely did pee while being changed and when they did, it just piddled to the side and puddled under them. Just remember, urine is sterile!

    Next time I see you I can teach you a couple different swaddles.

    Parenthood doesn't have to be a horror show! But then I live with rose coloured glasses on. You could pack a pair of those in your hospital bag!

  5. Oh, how we ALL have been there (or at least those with babies!)

    What Larissa said: the mesh underwear is great ;) Everything sounds weird at first, but the only way to understand it is to go through it. Unfortunately. Just bring your wonderful smartphone with you to google everything in between nursing and sleeping ;)

    I drank Mother's Milk tea at first because my milk didn't come in until Ellie was 4 days old. I don't know if it helped, but there really are some herbs and such that apparently help. Fenugreek is supposed to be great for getting your milk supply up later on.

    I brought a robe, but wore the hospital gown. Easy access to everything and comfy when everything else isn't comfortable. I also bought a couple of nursing tank tops, but I used those for the first few months, when all we did was nurse and nurse and nurse. I bought a nursing shirt one time and it was stupid.

    Baby weight sucks. Actually, the weight doesn't because breastfeeding rocks for killing calories, but the baby FAT does. I've still got a nice 3-month pregnant-looking belly going on and my Pilates is sllooowwwllly helping that go away. I'll let you know how it goes come June ;) My breasts grew before and during breastfeeding, but once we weaned they pretty much deflated and now

    Youtube the swaddles. Practice them when your baby is here. Nick became an EXPERT swaddler - which could be because he was taught by the nurses in the hospital.

    I can't tell you about boy pee, but girl pee accidents have happened. Poop has also happened a few times. Both are terrible and will probably happen, but aren't that scary when they happen. As long as they aren't old enough to grab onto the poop ;)

    Definitely didn't mean to post a gigantic response, but maybe some sanity will come from this! Hang in there!


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