He's not even here yet and already I'm realizing that woah woah woah I have no idea what I'm doing.
I mean, babies kind of make sense. They poop. They cry. They scream when the crying isn't enough. They puke for reasons unknown. They chew on your breasts.
Okay. I'm coming to terms with that. I've heard some scary breast feeding stories but I'm okay with sacrificing my body for my child. Why not? He's going to come ripping and tearing out of me one way or another so why not just continue the carnage? There's really no going back now.
The more I hear about things on the internet, though, the more uncomfortable I get.
What do you mean I should bring black underwear to the hospital? Wait, what's this about pads? And did someone just say padsicle? Are you vomiting a little in your mouth right now? Because I sure am.
I need to bring my own beautiful hospital gown? And my pillow in my favourite pillow case? And a soundtrack for my labour? I'll be having a baby not throwing a slumber party!
What are lactation cookies? How are they different from regular cookies? If they're good for milk production I promise not to touch them until the moment my baby's born but then are they all I'm allowed to eat? Because you know me and cookies.
And, you know, am I going to become a dairy cow before my son is born? I know it happens, but is normal?
Also, how hard is the baby weight going to be to get rid of? And how much larger are my breasts going to be? Am I going to need to buy a whole new wardrobe of easily accessible shirts until my kid can feed himself?
I don't know sign language. Most babies these days do. Why are infants smarter than me? I know enough not to play with my own poop but I can never remember the sign for please.
I know people swaddle their kids, but I can barely wrap a burrito and it doesn't move. Maybe we should start eating more wraps.
And what about pee? I've only ever changed boy diapers before and never had a pee incident, but it's a right of passage isn't it? It's not like I've changed a lot of diapers, either, so the odds aren't really in my favour. How often can I expect a mouthful of urine? I just need to be emotionally prepared.
If you need me, I'll be in bed with the covers over my head.