September 13, 2013

My house is not a brothel.

So there was an article in the local paper that attempted to change my outlook on spiders infesting my house. It didn't, not even close, but I think it's worth a read. You can check it out here. In case you're too lazy to read it, it basically says that those brown ugly guys that run around your living room (or in my case, bathroom, and always at the most inconvenient times) are male spiders that are just looking for a little female action. Yep, they're horny and looking to get laid.

Apparently that's supposed to make me feel better. Really, it just makes me angry because MY HOUSE IS NOT A BROTHEL.

Not only do I not want uninvited house guests, I really don't want uninvited guests getting frisky in my bathtub. Thanks but not thanks, guys.

The article also says that these European House Spiders are really just star crossed lovers that don't want to bite us and mean no harm. We should just pick them up in a tea towel or tissue and gently put them outside. Ninety percent of them can't even bite us and they're not poisonous so really we should be accommodating and let them be. They'll only be around for another month anyway.

Yeah. Another month. I'm sorry, but catch and release is like playing Russian roulette because they can always come back inside. And they're out there to breed. BREED. I may not want a full sized 3" spider getting fresh in my HOUSE and that sure as heck means that I don't want that ugly sucker to procreate. They are clearly looking for love in all the wrong places.

I'd rather my house fall down around me because those wood beetles didn't get culled by the spiders than have to live in fear every time I step into the shower. We had THREE spiders in there at once last weekend. So much for hot showers being my favourite relaxation technique. No wonder my stress level has been so high lately.

I'd like to take this opportunity to transition into the other reason my stress level has been rather high: my new job.

My new job is a receptionist position with a different yet similar organization than before. I left an Executive Coordinator position I enjoyed and an HR position starting at the beginning of next month to take this job. As much as I loved my last workplace, my positions were all temporary and temporary doesn't pay the bills forever or give benefits, pensions, or four weeks of vacation (!!!). Or a raise. Permanent receptionist positions do and I'm smart enough to know not to pass up an opportunity like that.

It's kind of hard going back to reception after nine months, but I'll get over it. I just finished my second week, and am still not trained on everything. I've had a couple stress related migraines since I started last week (Tuesdays are not good nights for me apparently) so I've been less happy than one might expect, but I anticipate that by the end of the month I'll have things pretty much figured out. I've already been impressing my coworkers by how much of a go-getter I am (not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty freaking awesome). In other words, I want to know how to do my job asap because it's boring and needlessly stressful otherwise. And while I do pretty well with the emotional kind of stress, we know how much my body hates the physical kind. As much as it hates dairy, apparently.

That said, I work with a bunch of older people. I'm the youngest person in my department by about ten years, and then it goes up by another ten years from there. Working with older people is just different than working with younger people. They do everything so much slower. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just different. Not everyone is as speedy a thinker as I am.

And now, allow me a thirty second rant: When I left my other job, I cleaned the heck out of my desk. I made sure the drawer had a good amount of paper clips, highlighters, elastic bands, you know, office supplies. I emptied my recycling bin. I even used compressed air on my keyboard to get my lunches out of it.

Well. When I showed up for my new job, there was a bottle of hand cream on my desk, completely unorganized files (some with filing from 2007...), an overflowing recycle bin (with confidential files in it, to boot) and a keyboard that looked like hamsters had been nesting in it. No, I'm not kidding. IT didn't even bother cleaning it and just gave me a new one. It almost made me gag.


I'm done ranting.

The now retired receptionist from a few years ago that filled in before I started came in today to do some training. She had a grande Starbucks cup. I had a twelve ounce non-descript cup from another place. I went to the bathroom and came back to her drinking my coffee. And gagging. And saying how gross it was. Apparently my (decaf, obviously) americano with soy milk doesn't taste anything like a chai latte. Yeah. I was really looking forward to the last three sips of my coffee. Too bad I had to throw it out after that.

That just goes to show, the older generation doesn't have the toughness of the younger. I don't need no stinking dairy, sugar, or caffeine to enjoy my beverage. It took me a long time to get to this point, but I like my dark, cold, and bitter coffee. Like space. Mmm...

Should this have been two posts? Probably, but ain't nobody got time for that. I figured I should keep you updated on where I'm at, sucking you in with spider stories, and then wearing you down with a life update.

So, I'll leave you with a question. After a near death experience with a piece of fluff that looked like a spider crawling out from under the baseboard, I realized the vacuum might be an excellent weapon in the fight against horny spiders getting it on in my home. Thoughts? The butterfly shaped fly-swatter does a pretty good job, but for those hard to reach fornicaters do vacuums have enough suction to be effective?

I'm going to make some pumpkin scones now. Because I don't care how lame I sound when I say that life without Starbucks pumpkin scones is hardly a life at all and I'm having people over for breakfast/a clothing swap (FREE CLOTHES!) in the a.m. so I have an excuse. I need to do some taste testing tonight, though.

And I'm going to listen to Inland by Jars of Clay while I do it. Jars of Clay, as you well know by now, are my favouritest band ever but maybe you didn't know that they just came out with a new album and it's ALL OF THE GOOD. Like actually. I need you to go listen to it right now. I also need you to listen to it while wearing polka dots, drinking decaf coffee, and eating pumpkin scones if you can. Cookies are also an acceptable substitution.

Okay, bye.


  1. I just love your posts. I always look forward to them. I am also on your anti-spider time. I have to say, it's nice to have a cat, because yesterday morning I watched mine eat a spider that was crawling toward me on the carpet. I've never felt so safe and secure.

    At my last job I was a glorified receptionist working with older people, so I understand 110% of everything you just said. I'm thinking we could have a lot of stories to swap, but really nothing is worse than someone drinking your coffee.

  2. Am I a completely abnormal and strange person because I don't really get too freaked out by spiders? I don't know...I've always been the girl that sees a spider and either squishes it (with at least 10 paper towels because even though they don't scare me GOD KNOWS I STILL DONT WANT IT TOUCHING ME) or just points at it and says "Get that" to Isaiah.

    BUT...don't get me started on moths. Those things freak me the eff out and I'd rather have to clean 10 spiders out of my bathtub than have a 3" moth fluttering around my face when I'm trying to get in the house. *SHUDDER*

    I always find it odd when I start a new job and my desk hasn't even been TOUCHED or cleaned or anything. My job here was kind of like that. It wasn't totally trashed when I started but there were YEARS of backdated files that needed to be boxed up, a TON of paperwork that had nothing to do with me that just needed to be shredded, and my pen/paperclip drawer was REALLY dirty. At least my keyboard wasn't disgusting, but everything else needed a wipe down for sure. I'm like you - I like to leave my desks SPARKLING and well-stocked when I leave. I just feel better knowing the person after me won't be thinking "Jeez, the girl before me was a total slob..."

    You must update me on how those scones turned out!!!!

    P.S. I mailed your package yesterday. Make a note. I want to know how long it takes to get to you!

  3. Re: Desk Sharing
    At least once your desk is cleaned, it is the way you leave it until you are done working there. Back in the day, when I was a working woman, I shared my desk on a daily basis with at least two other people. Every shift there would be a little tidying to do.

  4. Fall has been spider time like crazy at our house this year, and the party is in our bathroom. I can even take a shower any more without doing a thorough inspection first. I don't know why people love fall so much....


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