April 12, 2012

Health Esteem.

Do you remember when, a long, long time ago, I talked about my fashion esteem? I don't really either but I know that I did and today I had cause to remember that time; this morning I found myself reading fitness tips by the athletic, healthy, and naturally attractive. It was, needless to say, distressing.

I used to jog but stopped some time before we got married. I don't remember when, exactly, but it's probably been two and a half years since I seriously gave it a go. I'm one of those people that the moment my feet start moving faster than normal I'm purple and sweaty. It's cool, I'll admit it. There is no shame. Okay, I'm lying. There's a lot of shame.

I don't mind running, I really don't. The circumstances have to be ideal, though, in order for me to get back out there. I used to go with a friend and she was good motivation. It was depressing because I knew I was holding her back, though. I needed someone to go with that was more on my level but still had motivation to succeed. I also needed a flat place to get it done.

I'm not naturally athletic. I never participated in any sort of sports team or organized activity growing up. I really wish I had, now, but what's done is done. I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway. I have very low running esteem. The purple and sweaty wouldn't be so bad if there was no one around. See? I'm telling you about it so it's not a big secret. The biggest problem is that I live in a healthy city. A very healthy city. It's impossible to go for a run around a golf course (like I used to) without seeing a million other healthy people lapping you and carrying on a conversation without even breaking a sweat. Me? I'm too distracted trying to actually breathe to even say hello as we cross paths.

I also don't live in the prairies. Hills are a reality here. Even at the golf course. Especially at the golf course. Flat became my best friend because I could conquer it and show it who was boss (me) but then, sure enough, thirty seconds to a minute later I'd have another hill to deal with. Then I'd be purple, sweaty, wearing a tshirt in winter while everyone else was bundled up, fighting, very slowly, to push myself up a hill that quite simply refused to end.

Running on the street became my only other option for flat surfaces. I never even bothered. I prefer to do my exercise privately, like at home on my exercise bike, or in a large group like my yoga class where there are ideally ten other people just as clueless as I am trying to contort their bodies and balance in ways that, surely, God never intended them to need.

I have been avoiding walking to work as low as I can because of my shin splints. They appeared shortly after I got healthy enough to start walking to work again after almost a month of driving. I power walked like I've never power walked before and the end result was painful. They went away but came back after Disneyland so I've been trying to give them the space they need to heal and leave me alone.

This morning, looking at fitness tips and healthy eating recipes I began to feel restless. I drove to work today and I think that was one day too many of not walking. If I could have I would have jogged home, ridden my bike, done some eight minute abs, and then relaxed with a couple yoga stretches. At least, I felt like I would have. Sadly, I had to work so I guess we'll never know how far I would have gotten. I'm thinking pretty far, though.

So today my health esteem was pretty low thanks to the internet and my viewing choices. I will not be brought down, though! I'll keep the dream alive and walk to work tomorrow (weather and ability to get out of bed/put down Catching Fire pending of course), maybe do some eight minute abs tonight (aka me giggling and being about 40% successful but that's cool, it's only my second time and easing into it's okay) and then, making the healthiest choice of all, probably drinking beer with some friends. That right there, folks, is a mental health choice.

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