February 14, 2012

I'm conflicted.

It's been a week since my last real post. I haven't been abnormally busy but I've been feeling rather uninspired. I watch Douglas street from my desk, and Douglas street watches me. If you go down Douglas during weekday business hours and peek in office windows chances are you've seen me. Douglas is a street, though, and as such it's really not that interesting. Sure more ambulances go by than some other streets, there's more traffic, and there are some really interesting types that wander by, but nothing super entertaining ever happens.

Maybe if I was from somewhere where I'd never seen crazy people yelling to themselves or old men wearing leopard print hats pushing his mostly empty shopping cart of bottles down the street I would feel it was more blog-worthy. The thing is, I'm from town. I know this stuff happens and I'm really not fazed. Is it noteworthy? Meh. Don't get me wrong, there is weirdness on a regular basis here on Douglas. The building next door used to be a cheap motel and now it's low income housing or something. A week or two ago one of the rooms was police taped off and there was one lonely cop car.

What I guess I really do is watch Douglas street and then talk about other random stuff. Blogging is funny that way. I tend to go on rants and if I do it on the blog I make sure I watch what I say. I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with sharing with the internet world some things. I do think it's ignorant to think that everyone cares or that only my intended audience will read what I write. That said, I don't blog with anyone in mind. There are a few people I know that read what I'm posting because they've either commented on the blog itself or told me they read it, but that doesn't mean that they're the only ones. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person that wastes time on the computer by reading random stuff (I'm actually a creature of habit and don't peruse random stuff that often, but you get the point).

Having a blog has made me more intentional about what I put into words and type. You might be disappointed in my intellect to find out that, generally, I try to think a bit before I write something down. That isn't always the case, particularly when I first started my blog (think way back to just under two months ago), but I do try. Admittedly, sometime my level of intentionality is higher than others. Either way, I think more about how I word my frustrations, especially when they relate to the people in my life because, like I said before, anyone can read what I'm putting down.

I get really frustrated sometimes and, as those close to me can attest to, I like to talk about it and get some feedback. I think I've mentioned that here before. If I want to blog about it I have to think really carefully about how I word things so that I'm not sharing things I shouldn't, about myself or others, and not saying something that someone could take as a personal attack. People are sensitive and I never cease to be amazed at how easy it is to ruin a good relationship without even knowing it.

That whole preamble came about because  I've been thinking a lot about confrontation lately. Some people love it, most hate it; I am not a fan of it. The thing about me is that I can initiate it if I feel it's necessary. If you're going to disagree with anything I say today it's probably going to have to do with what a "necessary" conflict is. I'm young, I'm still maturing, and I know that I don't have all the answers to life. I'm always amazed at how far I feel like I've come each year in regards to how I handle different situations. I guess being an only child is still taking it's toll in social situations.

I have two areas in my life right now where I feel that a conflict is likely necessary to resolve them. Both have already had initial conflicts. Both have already resulted in tears on my part. Both are issues I want to lay to rest but I'm unhappy with the present results. This is where the whole necessary conflict comes in. Without going into detail, I'm wussing out on one of them, at least for now. "Necessary" in this case has too much potential to either solve the problem or make it worse. I'd rather leave it unsolved than risk making it worse even though the status quo is less than ideal for me.

My second conflict that I feel it is necessary to address has to do with my old job as a research associate. I swore I'd put it to rest and not get emotionally charged about it anymore so I'm trying to be emotionally distant on this. I quit three months ago. That's twice as long as I worked there. Why, oh why, is my photo still on the website? I was a research associate/executive assistant and yet the website says I'm a manager. If I was a hundred percent sure that I wasn't still being associated with the company beyond that photo I would feel a bit better, but the fact of the matter is I don't want my name associated with it anymore in any form. Three emails, and one phone message later I'm starting to freak out.

Phoning her gave me the shakes every time I thought about it. The website has now been updated and I am still on it. I called Friday during my lunch break, sitting in the mall with Karl. I was glad to get it over with, and even more glad when it went straight to voicemail. I know that she got my message. So now what? I promised myself that if it's not down within a week of that phone message I need to take further action. But what can I do? I don't want to let myself be bullied by a woman that is used to getting her own way because that isn't fair to myself. I'm not sure what the next step is but I know it's going to take some sort of conflict to resolve. Once again, dreaded conflict, but necessary.

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