Losing

Loss is a strange thing. You can mourn the life that someone has lost, is losing, will lose.


With cancer there is hope. With most things there is hope.


With ALS there is no cure. No real treatment. Just a diagnosis and whatever time you have left as your body slowly, but never slowly enough, shuts down. And then it's in this state of almost shut down, but still there.


Some cancer doesn't give a lot of hope. But it's still there, even just a little. Until it's not.


With everything we can pray for a miracle, but do we always believe it's going to come?


With faith, you look at death as an opportunity. It's not an end. There is that hope of eternal life, in a new, better, healed body. A perfect ending to an imperfect illness.


But without faith...


It's hard to know how to feel. It's heartbreaking.


Emotions are complex. You never know how exhausting they are until that grief and loss is weighing down everything. It colours ever day.


Right now, we're in a season of preparing. Getting ready. I don't know if the waiting for the end will be worse than the end.


For ALS we've mourned. I think. I haven't been this close to loss before. I don't know what I'll feel. We've done our mourning. We've talked through it all. We've made our peace. But I'm not sure what it will actually look like on the other side for those of us left behind. But when ALS finally wins, I know what's on the other side for her and it will be worth the battle.


With cancer it's different. It's at arm's length. I am not at peace with this. And it's coming imminently.


Illness is not fair. Death is not discerning. It comes to us all, but that doesn't mean it isn't heavy. Watching loved ones suffer is excruciating. And what about everyone they leave behind? It's not going to go away for them.


Oh me of little faith, I find it hard to pray for healing when there is no known cure. But I pray for salvation. For everyone. And, if anything, that is what breaks my heart the hardest.