When there might be something wrong with your antisocial baby.

My internet dating friend has a little guy ten days older than Parker. I'm happy to announce, that she and I are still good friends over five months after our first date. There's nothing like a little public nudity to bring two people together. We see each other once a week or so and go to the same mom group.

Her little guy did everything a lot faster than Parker. He held up his head better, rolled over first, sat up better, chatted more, and figured out solid foods while Parker was still giving me the death stare. Parker is still pretty unsteady when he sits, but he's caught up with almost everything else. I am perfectly content for Parker (Mr. Big Head) to do things on his own time and, as far as I'm concerned, the slower the better.

Going to a mom group we get to see other kids the same age as our boys and what they do. Now that we're around the eight month mark, the next big step seems to be crawling. Most kids their age are moving in some way or another. Parker's just starting to scootch himself unintentionally backwards and I'm afraid that crawling will happen before we know it. His little friend doesn't crawl yet, either, unless there's food in front of him or a mirror to ogle himself in. It seems to me like he's got it all figured out.

My friend took her son to the doctor for his check-up and mentioned that he wasn't yet crawling while some other kids his age were. (This is the same doctor I saw when when I first found out I was pregnant and he had to phone a friend to find out whether pregnant women should get the flu shot.) (They should. He said they shouldn't.) The conversation she and I had afterwards was too good not to share.

Friend: The doctor says that G doesn't get up and crawl because he has no friends.

Me: Did you tell him that his friend is a judgemental jerk?

Friend: I told him that he has one friend that ignores him and they just spin on their tummies on the floor. He said he needed new friends.

Me: Understandable.

Friend: He also said that there's still time for G to get friends and learn to crawl before we need to worry.

Me: Like when he starts school.

Friend: He suggested I put him in a corner and put out toys for him to crawl to but if I do that he'll just lay there and play with his feet. He's just lazy. And his head is really big.

Me: You won't find me crawling. My head's too heavy to hold up all the time.

Friend: Yeah. And it's hard on my hands and knees.

Me: Way too much work.

Friend: And I have no friends to crawl to.

Our kids are screwed.