Lately. And I'm glad I'm not a baby giraffe.

I made the mistake of watching the highlight video from when Animal Planet aired a live giraffe birth. Don’t ask me why, I just did. That momma giraffe just walked around for five minutes with a baby giraffe hanging out of her backside. It looked like she was pooping. It was so disturbing that I could feel my baby recoiling in terror. Is that what happens in the maternity ward? People just waddle around with babies sticking halfway out of them until they drop six feet onto the floor?

I lost you, didn’t I? I might have lost myself for a moment there, too.

You know what confuses me? How politicians announce their intent to announce that they’re going to be running for a position. Why even bother? It’s like doing the same thing twice. That must be an American thing because I’ve never known a Canadian politician to do that. Then again, I don’t really pay that much attention to politics and Canadian politics don’t get the attention American ones do, even in Canada. Probably because people are busy just doing what they intend to do instead of announcing their intent to do so.

FYI, guys, I intend to think about what I’ll be making for dinner later today. I’m just not doing that right now because I’ve got other stuff to do.

I’m really excited to start a job where I’m not referred to as anyone’s assistant, even though that’s not in my job title and hasn’t been for years. If someone calls me my son’s assistant I will probably punch them in the teeth. I’ll be his caregiver. Sure, I’ll be assisting him to live, but, if anything, he’ll be my assistant. In being awesome. I have high hopes for the kid.

I’m not sure why people get so down on Barbie. I’m really starting to relate to her. We all know how unrealistic her body shape is and how she has to keep some of her internal organs in her legs because where on earth would they fit otherwise, right? Well, I think I’m starting to grow part of my baby in my thighs. Maybe that’s where my placenta is living, because holy cow talk about growth. I have to go on an emergency shopping trip to buy capris today because now that we’re out of snow season (one week and counting!) I need to get some fresh air on my legs. And none of my capris from last summer will go over my baby-filled thighs anymore. I know that baby rolls are so cute and everything, but I think that’s only for the first couple years. Anything later in life is just disturbing.

This morning one of my coworkers asked if I’d lost weight. I know. I love her. She then asked if maybe the baby had dropped or something and I didn’t tell her, but the answer is yes, probably, and straight into my thighs. Now go get me a cheeseburger.

According to the internet my baby weighs over 4 lbs now. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

The big questions these days are “Are you ready?” “Are you just so excited to meet him?” “Are you having a hard time waiting?” and the answer is I don’t know. Karl is so excited to meet the little guy, and I admit that I am, too, but there’s just SO MUCH that needs to happen first. I need to finish his blanket. I need to make more blankets. I need to decorate his room. I need to make him a mobile. I need to do more laundry. I need to make something with the dates in my fridge. I need to paint my toenails. I need to clean the toilets. I need to paint a stereo stand. I need to eat more vegetables. I need to go buy diapers. I need someone to definitively tell me if I need an electric breast pump or not. I need to go to our prenatal classes. I need to reorganize our kitchen. I need to have my car vacuumed. I need to get more sleep and exercise and probably drink more water while I’m at it. I need to spend as much quality with Karl while we still can so that we can remember why we love each other when the baby makes us forget.

Last week I bragged about how I was still sleeping like a champ. Don’t do that. You will be humbled. I’m still sleeping okay, but now I can’t get enough of it. All I want to do come 9 p.m. is crawl into bed and sleep a million years. It’s hard, though, because of all the things we need to do before the baby comes. I had two meltdowns two days in a row about it all. If I don’t have one tonight it will be a miracle. Who knew that laundry and unkempt rooms and furniture needing to be painted could be such a cause for distress?

I had a very successful trip to Michaels the other day. I didn’t even buy yarn. My son’s room is going to look like something straight out of a Michaels catalog (if such a thing exists). Let’s just say he’s going to be introduced to burlap and chalkboards and cork way earlier than I ever was. Actually, basically at the same time as me. But his polka dot education will start as soon as his little eyes can focus. Is anyone else tearing up thinking about this?

I still haven’t tried out my ice cream maker yet. I’m trying to come to terms with my thighs and the fact that I’ve basically given up on going to the gym for the next couple months. I tried to suspend my gym membership and it was the most freeing decision of my life. Then I found out I couldn’t and I have extreme guilt again. I hate wasting money, but now that it’s nice out I’d rather go for a super slow walk outside than on a treadmill.

 

Our anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks so I’m thinking I might make some ice cream for it. And possibly a cake. Or, even better, pay someone to make us a cake. Because there are few things in life I love more than professionally made cakes. And, um, sharing them with my husband.

 

Okay, I'm going to go pretend I'm thinking about my intention to go do something else now.