May 10, 2014

I am a menace to society and should probably just stay home.

Karl's working today because we're taking Friday off to have an extra long weekend in Edmonton next week. If you're wondering what that shaking is, it's me bouncing up and down.

I had a migraine Sunday night for the first time in eight months. It's okay to stand up and cheer because eight months.

If you'll recall, I started getting acupuncture last fall. Even though it was completely awkward and weird and involved a stranger undressing me without my permission, it was a really positive experience. That, combined with a decaffeinated (2 years!) dairy-free (1 year!) lifestyle (except for the goaty stuff which is heaven), proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back. In the good way. Maybe more the straw that cracked the camel's back like a really good chiropractor.

Anyway, for some reason my benefits don't kick in for six months here (What is this? A third world country?) and Karl's don't kick in for another month so I've gone nearly three months without any acupuncture. As a result, I wasn't terribly surprised when I got a migraine Sunday night. It was weird, though, because I forgot what they're like. Isn't that great? It's not routine anymore. It's actually something I'm not used to. Hallelujah. I mean, I still remembered the important stuff, like sending Karl to get me something greasy to eat (pork sausages) and ginger ale, but I forgot what the process was and the details of how they made me feel. Aside from bad, obviously.

I went home early on Monday because I wasn't feeling great and my neck has been killing me ever since because of all the tension I carry afterward. So benefits or no benefits I bit the bullet and booked an appointment for this morning.

The clinic I went to at home was great and I saw almost everyone there at least once. There was a naturopath, a massage therapist, a chiropractor, and an acupuncturist. I may or may not have kept them in business. Looking for a new acupuncturist here I was hoping to maybe get the full meal deal again. You know, so they could talk about me if needed. And so I would have less places to remember how to get to.

I ended up finding a place that had a pretty big package deal. There was another one I saw that was a bit more holistic but as I kept reading the different descriptions of treatments they offered they went from things I was politely sceptical about to things I straight up have never heard of. I am not going to pay someone to essentially pray over me, thanks. So I figured I'd give the more western-oriented place a go.

I have to tell you, it was different.

For some reason, I'd gotten it into my head that the new acupuncturist was a woman. That was good, because I'm not sure I could handle a strange man undressing me with or without asking. Well, he ended up being a dude. Which is fine. My old chiropractor was a dude and he could crack and snap me pretty much any place without weirding me out. I'd just try not to get a mouthful of his chest hair when he bear hugged me.

Anyway, so this new doctor is thirty something (it's hard to tell with pretty boys) and doesn't do the traditional Chinese acupuncture that I'm used to. I had to offer to take off my cardigan and the room was anything but low lit, with soothing pipe music coming in. It was a straight up doctor's office with a chiropractor's bed in the middle. The music blaring over the speaker wasn't soothing either. Unless you count Nickleback and Robin Thicke as soothing...

I didn't end up getting my hour long relaxation session that I'm used to. I got needles jabbed into me deeper than ever before and then electricity put on them to make twitch and spasm. He even dropped the s-bomb while working on me. Not like, "Oh, s-bomb, I think I just stabbed an artery!" but more like "blah blah blah school something s-bomb blah blah blah." Look, I get it, we're all Dutch out here, but let's keep the swearing to a minimum. It's called being professional.

Anyway, as I lay there I realized that I'd probably not come back to him for my monthly needle jabbing once Karl's benefits kicked in. One of my co-workers recommended a real Chinese fellow that does it in town (so I'm thinking less electric shocks and more calming music/impromptu naptimes) and even though he's on the outskirts of The Hood it should be fine. I asked. Twice.

After I left the chiropractor's office I felt like everyone in the waiting room was looking at me funny. Sure enough, when I got in the car my face was COVERED in paper creases from laying down on the table. Hey guys, you can call me Crease Face. Want to be my friend?

After that, I'd planned to go for a little drive and get a coffee, maybe stopping at Value Village while I was out. I decided the drive would have to be long enough for my face to even out a little bit before being seen in public. I ended up at Toys R Us instead of a coffee shop. While wandering around wondering how stores like that can be so magical when you're young and so terrifying and intimidating once you're not, I called my mom. And that's when things started going down hill.

I told Mom about my acupuncture appointment and how the doctor had dropped the s-bomb. Only I didn't say "s-bomb" I said the actual s-bomb, standing in the middle of the toy store, surrounded by toys and impressionable ears. I'm surprised no one strung me up and let me hang right there.

Once done at the toy store (not something I think I'll be doing alone again any time soon) I drove around thinking I'd stop for coffee somewhere. I drove through one of the older neighbourhoods that people always talk about as being full of character. It was cute, and a side of the city I hadn't seen before. For a city of only 200,000 people Regina has more unique neighbourhoods than I'd anticipated.

I'm driving along, admiring the quaintness of the neighbourhood, thinking I must be getting close to another main road I'm familiar with when it happened. I drove straight through a four-way stop without even slowing down. And it's not like there was no one else there, either. Luckily, everyone in this city is such a bad driver that no one noticed. I did, though, afterwards, and wanted to drive into a ditch and hide there, maybe calling the cops to give them an anonymous tip about a fugitive stop sign runner. I felt terrible.

I drove around a bit more, looking for a coffee shop or something, and ended up running through a 40 km zone without even realizing it until I was on the other side. Why was everyone behind me suddenly slowing down so much? Crap. S-bomb.

Regina doesn't have school zones like normal everywhere else does. Here there are 40 km zone from 8 a.m. - 10 p.m. everyday. I don't even know why they bother. I guess it helps, though, when I'm running late for work and I don't have to slow down through the one near our place because it's 7:55, suckers!

So there you have it. My confessions. I'm a menace to society and should probably just stay home for the rest of forever. Someone needs to clean this place up for the realtor photos that are being taken on Tuesday. That's a lot of pressure, too. And someone needs to start packing for our move in five weeks. Just kidding. I'll start in four.

In case you're wondering, I did end up getting coffee at place I'd never been before. The girl kept looking at me like I had a big red M for menace tattooed to my forehead. I think I'll just make my own coffee next.

1 comment:

  1. I'm pretty sure that having a migraine allows you to write the entire following week off as a by-product of horrible pain and nausea. At least that's my excuse. I would have loved to see you drop the S-bomb in the middle of Toys-R-Us, though.

    I don't know if I could handle acupuncture. I'm not super squeamish about needles or anything, but I am squeamish about doctors.


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