August 28, 2012

Let's talk about fashion. Part 3.

If you've made it this far, congratulations and I applaud you. We're almost there. From here on out it's less about what I wear/want to wear so it might get a bit easier. The title might be a bit misleading, too, but just roll with it.

I've always been unsure as to how much I'd like to share of myself on this blog because it is very out there and available. Then I though, screw it. This next bit is too good not to share.

Once upon a time, I looked like this:

Now I look more like this:

See the difference? Notice the change? Pretty impressive, eh?

That first photo is my grade eight school picture. That second photo is me after I got my stellar hair cut. I love that comparison. People always get such a kick out of it. I'm not sure what exactly I was weighing in at during that point in my life, but I do know that in grade seven I was somewhere above the 190lb weight range. For a 12 year old girl that's pretty impressive. I don't mind sharing that number with you because that isn't me anymore. That was the most I've ever weighed in my life and I hope that I will never weigh that much again. Unless it's pure muscle or something.

Feel free to think whatever you want about 13 year old me because you're probably right. I was an unhappy kid with a giant eyebrow, bad teeth, and the ugliest shirt in the world. I did not know a thing about personal style and wore Costco track pants every day. You could hear me coming halfway across the school with those bad boys.

It was a low point in my adolescence. I was huge. I was weird looking. I was about as awkward an only child as you could imagine. It was very cliched.

Grade eight was a really rough year for me emotionally because I lost all the extra weight. I never got skinny but made it to a more or less age appropriate weight range where I hovered for several years. Why was it so difficult emotionally? Well, when you don't eat for several months your moods tend to have some serious ups and downs, but mostly downs. Now if I don't eat for three hours I have that problem.

Being a new teenager was so fun!

The thing is, I've always carried an awkward self image because of that time. How do you mentally get past those awkward, uncomfortable years? I knew I wasn't attractive, I knew I was different, and I didn't know what to do about it. Even when I was fifteen and was becoming more comfortable in my own skin I knew people didn't find me attractive. My sense of style was all over the place and I wasn't sure if I wanted to fit in or stand out? With green hair you can probably imagine what was going through my head. Well, if I wasn't super skinny and beautiful I could be something else. Something purposefully different.

Grade twelve was when I began to cultivate the look that would carry me through my adult years. I started becoming less of an insecure teenager and more of an adult. I was still an insecure teenager but that was okay because it's impossible not to be an insecure teenager. I didn't feel the hostility towards my body and its shape the way I used to. Sure, there was still the insecurities that come with being a fat 12 year old, but I was getting over it.

Well, now I'm 24. Wow. Half my life ago and seven inches shorter than I am now I weighed forty pounds more than I am today. It's amazing how some of those insecurities will still never leave me.

I actually don't care how much I weigh now. I don't, really. I know that weight is just a number and that it doesn't have a ton to do with your health. Sure I get disappointed when I gain ten pounds for no reason, but it's not what the scale tells me that matters most. It's what my jeans tell me.

So here's the plan. Two years ago I fit smaller jeans than I do now. One size smaller. My goal is to fit those jeans again. I'm not going to stop eating like I did 12 years ago because I would die and my husband might leave me for being a crazy person, but I am going to do it better. I can do better. I can eat better. I can eat less dessert and I can promise to exercise regularly. Heck yes I can.

What does this have to do with fashion? I have so many pairs of skinny jeans that are just begging to be resurrected and brought out of the drawer. I can put so much more of my clothing budget towards other things if I don't need to buy a new pair of pants this fall because my current jeans are wearing out.

To channel Bob the Builder the question is, can we do it? Heck yes, we can!

So why blog about this? What makes you more accountable than putting it in writing for the potential world to see? Nothing, I tell you, nothing at all.

Okay, it's less about fashion than you might have expected but I think it's still relevant. If you've made it this far, you deserve a treat. I recommend coffee. Because I can't have it.

Thanks for reading.

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